-=- The Origin of My Despair -=-
I have always battled sadness. I am not referring to the emo kid, I have a paternal corn cob up my ass so I will paint my nails black and bitch about it sadness. no, I am talking about deep seated depression and a feeling of worthlessness and despair.
But where does the despair I have felt come from? Some say trauma's of childhood. Some would argue it has to do with chemicals in the brain going haywire. Some would say it has alot to do with the things I tend to spend alot of time dwelling on. Still others claim the work of malevolent spirits and or auras all around me. Everyone, it seems, has a blasted answer but myself.
I have been thinking about how to change that for some time now. I suppose the best way to trace back to the origins of one's despair is to travel back into oneself with unhindered access to the core truths, those truths which define us as who we are, unbidden, and un sheltered by those ideas which, sometimes, keep us from really seeing ourselves. The first way to do that is to stop lying to other people about how we feel, and thusly, to ourselves.
I stopped lying to myself a long time ago. Lying to yourself has no rhyme or reason, and it serves no purpose save to cause furstration and a lack of self-knowledge. The origins of my despair, it seems, are buried in my beliefs. Or perhaps a lack thereof. Allow me to extrapolate:
When I was being raised by my family, I had a large assortment of conflicting beliefs thrown at me, fed to me, and beaten into me. Mostly religious things that contradicted themselves almost unto the point of being silly. All the great dogmas of Jesus and his ilk were fed to me verbatim unto the droning, and also the rules of life and society, although everyone in my circle of teaching had seemingly polar opposite views on how to treat people, how to believe, and what god wants etc.
It became clearer to me as I grew older that not a single human being on this planet has any idea just what the fuck it all means, nor do they have any firm grasp of what the fuck is going on beyond their newspaper, their front door, and their little shrink-wrapped existence. At frist I felt profound terror at this realization, as feelings of being alone and without direction made me wish for something more.
I studied books both arcane and traditional. From the Bible to the Koran, I sought answers to the age-old question of why man despairs at being alone in the universe and why he seeks to alleviate his despair through lies, self-deception, and outright hostility. I found no definitive answer for mankind as a whole, but for myself, I discovered why I despair at all.
It seems that, no matter what I am doing in my daily life, whether it be this website stuff, or going shopping for food items or whatnot, I am subconsciously thinking about the people around me and wondering if I am doing my part to fit into the society for which I find myself.
Because I am alive. I pay my bills. I follow the laws. I take my responsibilities seriously and try to do the best I can, so therefore, who really cares if I smile at someone in a store? Who really can be the judge of me and mine because I refuse to speak to someone I do not know? No one.
Ergo, my despair is, always has been, and seems it always will be, linked to other people. Those I let into my life, and those who try to shove their way in. A dear friend of mine, whom I have not seen face to face in some time now, told me that I should be wary of who I let into my life, and who I confide in, at all times. I agreed then, but never really understood the lesson he tried to teach me until recently. One must stick to those persons he or she trusts, and the rest be damned.
I am sad sometimes. I am sad for the world. Not because I am some right-wing bleeding heart, with goth facepaint and a penchant for chamber music and rough sex, but because I am a human being like all of you are, and sometimes, all of it just gets to me. I get tired of the news resports I either hear because someone felt I needed to know, or that I find by chance online etc.
When I am sad, as I have been lately, I think about the source of all the sadness. I think about the dreams I once had, now erased and re-dressed in new outfits of despair and hope. I think about the people I once knew, and the trials they knew, and the things we all shared amongst ourselves, and wonder how they fare, even enemies. I think about the places I have been, and those places for which thankfully I will never revisit. Mostly, I just think.
So I suppose the gist is: Despair breeds thought in me. So be it, for I am a creature of thought...
- Lurking Fear
- Posts: 215
- Joined: Tue Jul 20, 2004 9:02 pm
- Location: Barren, frozen, wastelands
Self delusion is bliss.