The Temple of Dagon

Maybe this one would be better.

While Zaynab knelt, coughing and trying to breathe, she missed the sound of hooves on stone that would have warned her before Nyarlathotep’s hand stroked through her hair.

“Behold, O son of the All-in-One, before you sits Yhoundeh! She is the Vessel I have created for the purpose of bringing forth the Openers of the Way. She is the culmination of the bloodline that began with Yasmin. How dare you touch her? How dare you harm her? The present age soon draws to a close; there isn’t time enough for me to start afresh. I allowed you a second mortal existence to serve as her guard, but if you lay a hand on her again before the children are born, I will crush you under my heel. You will suffer a death far worse then being torn apart by dogs. You are less then a gnat compared to me,” he told the man-thing. “Do you understand me?”

Zaynab watched in amazement as Wilbur took a step back, consternation and more then a little fear flashing across his ugly face.

If he can intimidate Wilbur Whateley…

Zaynab hadn’t realized that fear really could paralyze a person until now. She couldn’t move—only stare into the dark and listen to her heart race.

He turned his full attention to her. “Did you think you could hide from me? You are mine, Yhoundeh. And what is mine, I keep.”[/i]

hmm i'd have to see more to know what to think about it.
is this intended to be the beginning of a story, or a piece cut out of the middle, or just a sketch of an idea?

It's the beginning.

I agree. I'd have to see more to know what to think of it. For a beginning it maintains interest but it really depends on the style and direction of the rest of the peice. There is something that I can't quite put my finger on that is mildly awkward about it. I think, perhaps that is why I would need to see more to give a better critique.

in that case, i feel like you are cramming too many ideas into the first paragraphs. right away we are introduced to a scene of a community on fire, but from there you start talking about polliwogs and harvest houses and clara abrams - what are all these things? is it a village of frogs in new york harbor? by the time i ask all these questions, i have forgotten that there's a fire to worry about.

No offense, but you might want to use other terms than "polliwog", it gets pretty repetitive. This might help.

polliwog means tadpole, right? a baby frog/toad with just a tail for swimming? see how lost i am already with this story

Yeah, too many ideas too quickly. I think that might be it. There isn't enough time spent with each idea or concept.

don't get me wrong, it sounds like it might be interesting. just try not to rush the story..

doh, you should have started a new thread.. i didn't notice the edited post until i clicked on this thread by mistake, looking for new posts.

if you're still monitoring the forum, i would encourage you to post fragments like this in the thread called 'story scraps.' (unless you intend to post the entire story at some point.)

All to fast. Draw it out some more, be dramatic, and kudos on the Wilbur Whately scenario. I don't see him ever getting intimidated.